What do you do when you are talking to someone and the guy just gets up and walks off to see something else as if I never even existed? Do you sit there are wait for him to return? Or do you act like you have some semblance of pride and self respect and drag your ego on to your work table and do work.? What do you do when whatever you want to say comes out wrong in all senses of the word?…It comes out as aggressive, arrogant and full of ATTITUDE…the villain in any friendship! What do you say when your friends find fault with you when in your tired mind you are being all benevolent and forgiving them for their neglect? What do you do when your friends believe your other friend in any argument and you are always suspected of being the infidel? What do you do when you are always the last to know whatever is going on in your friends lives cos they didn’t want to tell you and they felt you were too immature to be trusted?
What do you do when a dear friend calls you…you listen to all their problems with the appropriate level of empathy and nil pity as demanded….then they rush off while you were in the midst of a sentence about to embark on describing your woes?what do you do when your days are spent chiefly in brooding over dark thoughts that you have no right to be nursing anyway? What do you do when friends have hurt you deeply, your mind wants to remember everything but your heart wants to forget?
So many questions with such elusive answers..
I keep trying to pull myself out of my rut but when no one wants to give you a hand and no one cares shit whether you’re in quick sand or not whats the point? I feel like an outcast. A poor street urchin, envious at the rich spread my friends have laid out in front of them. An onlooker
lusting for companionship and camaraderie…I quote, A- “What’s life but to live for the camaraderie?” I agree A, totally.But what if the camaraderie doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. Me, the outsider, onlooker, bystander, outcast, intruder and the untouchable…writing cos this is my
only outlet for all the stuff running inside..This record never stops playing in my head….The tune scratchy, played over and over till the tape is no longer recognisable to others but is as familiar as my heartbeat to me.
I keep asking A, why does one feel lonely in a room full of people? Is it because you have only your thoughts to keep you company and because no one cares to bother you…You want to be bothered, pestered, begged into a conversation but that never happens does it? An unfulfilled
wish, tossed carelessly onto others, like a limp pair of slippers long past their prime. Is it because you’re too snobbish to reach out and accept people as they are- stiff, unflinching and biased? Why can’t I understand people? Why am I so sensitive? Why don’t people like me? Why do I care if they do? Why do I keep blabbering…I blabbered a lot to a friend recently about the stuff I thought WE were thinking of together….Boy…was I wrong!!! now I feel like the ass I know I am….defeated, a shrew conquered and foolish, sheepish, mulish…Oh why did I have to blabber when my friend was just humoring me? I would’ve shut up till I knew for sure but I blubbered and blabbered my way thru…Am an ass…sorry for the trouble K….Trust me…I was blabbering on the basis of a total misunderstanding…no offense intended and I hope no offense taken.
I think my main problem is that I am a selfish jerk who is not satisfied with anything or anyone …too high are mine expectations…
Am so so angry that I could scream but I wont cos Im such a well behaved little jerk with no bad habits except being a jerk. I wither in long periods of no conversation…Never has this world seen such a loser before who knows her insecurities and is not afraid of showing it out cos she is so weak that she cannot keep it to herself…
Filed under: Living a dog's life
